"A" for effort

I've never been good at creating literary masterpieces-and frankly, I have quit trying. I have accepted the fact that I write the way I talk, and now that grading is out of the way (at least for now) it doesn't really matter anymore. Grammar and sentence structure and spelling have never been my thing, together with academics in general. I was the girl that studied really hard for two weeks but rarely did well on the test. Who spent hours and hours on papers and essays but almost never reached the highest percentile.

Sometimes that was really bothersome, especially watching friends and classmates who barely picked up the book received a 94%. But eventually I had to get over the fact that it wasn't about the visible result. That remembering dates and facts is not what mattered. That seeing the red "a" on the top of the paper couldn't, and shouldn't, be the goal. If it is or was, your motivation comes from approval. And that is a dangerous road...

Which has led me to further and deeper understanding of how tempting it can be to approach God like that. As a recovering "people-pleaser addict", I still find myself in situations just trying to make everyone happy, including God. And this pleasing thing is not about getting something physical in return, but instead just trying to keep everything smooth and nice and simple.

And while that can be okay sometimes with people, that kind of mindset can drive our relationship with the Lord into peril. Because then the relationship becomes conditional. You didn't keep God happy today, or you really messed up, or you missed your prayer time...and we wind up wallowing a bit and slinking down away from God. INSTEAD of running towards Him with both arms, depending on Him to lead you to the next step, and guide you on how to fix or heal from your mistake. God then becomes this unapproachable all-powerful scary God, instead of a loving Father who just wants the best for us. Who loves us especially in our weaknesses. A God who wants to hear everything, not just the parts of life we feel like we did well or succeeded in. By getting in the habit of approaching God in all areas and moods and situations, it teaches us that our ability to live and breath rests in the Lord. That it is God that formed and created us, and ultimately loves us and knows us more than anyone. It si such a powerful and real truth that is so easy to overlook.

As Lent begins I pray for my motivation in my relationship with the Lord is to be pure and emptying. God must increase and I must decrease (john 3:30).